The Crucible and The Lie

That's the word that characterizes today.
I didn't want to believe I would have a day like this with him - but there was a knowing in the back of my mind that it was possible.

The literal definition of crucible is:
1 : a severe test
2 : a place or situation in which concentrated forces interact to cause or influence change or development.

Well I'm undergoing a severe test. And concentrated forces have interacted to drastically change a situation. My stomach hurts.

Drastic, that's another word that fits. I've lived a drastic life with many drastic situations. In the past I've liked extreme circumstances because it made me feel alive. I worked so hard last year, I thought I was done with negative extreme situations but maybe I'm not. What's arisen now is potentially negative, not yet, but potentially; and much more so for him then me. For me it would just be deeply sad.

I've surprised myself at how well I've handled his news, albeit I do have a stomach ache and I've had to do a lot of thinking and writing to stay clear headed. And the thing is, in the end, nothing has changed for me.

I love him, pure and simple. That doesn't go away because he did something self-destructive. And the result of all the therapy I did gives me an understanding of the 'why' he did what he did. I know who he really is. And I know that this is just more of the same, the stongest female figure in his life, his mother, abusing him so severely, all he knows is giving into women and what they want over himself, not having boundaries, not having a strong enough sense of self to know where he begins and ends. I spent much longer in that space then he ever did or will, and I did things much worse though not nearly as consciously as him. I don't judge him - even though I'm hurt by his actions. But more then my own pain I'm sad he hurt himself so needlessly.

And so I still love him because I believe in him and I trust myself. I told him I live by principle and I'm not giving up just because of one bad mistake, two probably but not one. I know what I know, I know what we have is bigger then us, bigger then his problems or my problems. And so I choose to continue to still believe. If I give up believing at this point then my beliefs aren't very strong...and that's not the person I choose to be. This is a crucible, a severe test for me. If my feelings for him were superficial or unhealthy I wouldn't be able to withstand this - I would get angry, abuse him for it, yell, scream, make him feel as badly as I could. Then I would cut him off and have nothing to do with him. But what I have for him is the understanding of who he is, where he is, and the process he's really just beginning. And I respect what he's in and so I will not punish him.

One test for me is can still be the woman I want to be, this solid woman whose strength, frankly, is still pretty new. The good news is that I alreadly know I've passed that test. Even if I do need a whole day of dealing with myself around it.

I also continue to believe because I have faith that he will be able to do the work with Don that's required to come out of it. I don't think he has it in him to fully give up, I think he knows how horrible the rest of his life will be.

Another big test for me, however, is losing him and dealing with that. I am a little afraid of what that might do to me. I may lose him - I actually don't really have him now, just the dream really, I only had him for a brief period. Holding onto to a dream while the possibility of losing it is so clearly in my face is an almost impossibly painful place to stand. Two totally and completely opposite outcomes staring right at me at the same time - and so that's why I think I must have brought this extreme situation to myself. This didn't happen by chance. Maybe I got myself in it by getting connected to someone who has so much to work out. Or maybe I chose it because if we actually lived the fantasy, overcome all of this and end up together, the bond that would be created by going through all this hardship would be so unbelievably and absolutely unbreakable that it would be the relationship of a lifetime, storybook if you will. But I already know that's what it would be anyway.

Yes, I like extreme situations but I really don't like this one so it's scary that I'm faced with it. Waiting to hear if she could get pregnant, and then waiting a few weeks to find out if she actually is. Talk about the hell of limbo. Because if she is and he chooses to stay involved for the next however many years well that would be the death of us unless he develops very strong boundaries pretty quick. Because if she finds out she's pregnant in the next week or two her torture will begin and he's not strong enough to handle that right now. And the first time I ever loved in the right way would simply be a fleeting dream and a painful recovery. And while I would recover and I know I would find someone else, it will never be him. And that's just so.

I would rather it not work out by our choice, not by circumstance. There is no power in circumstance dictating anyones life - I hate that powerless place. Truly it's not my circumstance to work out - it's all him. If he gained the strength he could deal with her easily, he could deal with any situation at all.

And so as this day progresses and I sit with knowing he is further away from me today then any other day - and I sit with the possibility of the loss of something so grand, I'm still willing to take the gamble and believe. For the first time I understand the concept of love being bigger then any one person. There is nothing bigger and more powerful then love.

I'll go on with my life, I'll meet people, go out, etc. But in the back of my head I'll always be waiting for him to come and get me. And if he doesn't I'll tell myself it worked out for the best, that he should be with someone closer to his own age anyway, and he'll be happier somehow in the long run. I'll tell myself I'll meet someone else and maybe it will be grander. And it will be the biggest lie I ever told myself but I'll believe it to survive.