Ramblings of a Starving Woman

I was just sitting around minding my own business when god showed me his face and honestly I feel really pissed off about it.

I woke up, sat straight up, and suddenly everything was in focus way too sharp for 7 a.m, there was no residual effect from the painkiller from the night before. It started with a thought innocuous and silly enough…’gee, in a week I’ll look 10 years younger’. That was it.

This year of emotional upheaval and subsequent nine months of excruciating therapy left me spiritually wise yet thankfully with a young soul, fresh and happy and in a place where for me it was a demand that I finally align every part of my life, physically, spiritually, emotionally, romantically, intellectually…it was a no-brainer to get my face done. It was another piece of the path, like meeting you, like realizing it’s time to move on to a much bigger world.
Just another thing to do on my path, one that I choose now with extreme care and concern rather then one I wait to stumble across.

And suddenly I felt the spiritual step out of one world and into another, I felt it, the complete newness; maybe it's what others call ‘born-again’ but I don’t know because I never understood what they meant. And anyway I was sure it was some extreme religious hocus-pocus meant for those who didn’t know how to live their own lives and needed something to connect to in order just to ‘feel better’. Pretty superficial and judgemental huh? But I felt SOMETHING consuming and it was transforming and now all I know is that I’m scared and mad and hopeful and confused.

God damn it why does god have to show me his face right now? It’s too much for me. All day I’m trying not to cry (that must be bad for my face!) and inside I feel on the verge of a panic attack, my second in my life. Maybe it is because, as you said, so much is stripped from me right now. My face is only the beginning. I can’t go out. It’s constantly painful and uncomfortable and I won’t lean on anyone except for the occassional request for a bag of M&M's. I’m now clearly weak from hunger and everything is foggy. This is much harder then I thought. But I know it’s so much more then that. For the first time in my life I do believe I can have everything I want, and see that there are greater things I want than I even knew were possible for me to deserve. I have always wanted something bigger then myself to deal with and I got it. I am in over my head, with all of it, with you too, but that too is my choice. I would rather be in over my head and rise to the occasion then to be comfortable and move delicately forward and patiently wait to catch a slight glimpse of what lies ahead. Never! Just throw me to the wolves (I know them well) and I will forge my way as I always do. Only this time there really are no wolves and no one is throwing me. I’m throwing myself into a frey of my own choosing. Therein, I do believe, is real power; and I do love a good frey.

What is it that keeps making me think of the first time they locked me in that cell? The choices that were mine I could count on one hand. I could go to the bathroom or not. I could close my eyes or not. I could read, if I was lucky enough to get a book, or not. Or I could talk to my cellmate, if she ever woke up from her drugged out, 3-day slumber, or not.

There are so few choices in jail, life is easy in jail, thoughts have little power in jail where they are safely guarded from actually having to find expression; maybe that's why people end up there.

Now choices are showing up for me all over the place and what scares me is it seems there are a lot of them that I could actually have power around where I didn't before.

The kinds of things that scare me now are seeing god or maybe having the relationship of a lifetime or really being the 'best' me...not fears about what a horrible person I am or how I don’t deserve to be on this planet. My own power scares me as I struggle to rein it in until I understand how to use it and somehow put into order all the things I just seem to now know; and I contain myself as I did in jail but for a different reason. It is much scarier to actually have the life you want then to just escape for awhile the one you’re in. With the former you do end up knowing just how big you really are.

So does this look like crazy darkness that will scare you, too much intensity, I doubt that. Or does it look like the ramblings of a soul simply revealing herself while scared for the first time by feeling connected to the universe and feeling powerful in a way she never felt before. I still try and hide the intensity I feel, for most it's too much and I abhore the label 'dramatic' too easily dubbed by those less brilliant, or so I like to think! Sometimes it's just best to keep things to oneself.

Oh yea, and that god thing. He took my best friend Miguel and I can still cry over that, and he gave me a really shitty family and I know these are the emotional responses of a five year old and I know I have to deal with it sooner or later because today it’s giving me anxiety. God will never be for me what he is for others who are religious, but maybe I will let that power be something for me … as my life starts newly.

Or perhaps if I just eat some M&M's I’ll be sane again and all this will go away.
I'll let you know.