"When you hold onto it,

it holds onto you". As soon as he said it I grabbed a pen to write it down. I didn't understand it fully but I just knew, in the solid knowing place I have, that it was something I would need to know. It surpassed profound into some other territory beyond that, a place I didn't even know.

My first instinct was to try and understand it intellectually as I do with most things. The words didn't actually REACH me, or maybe I haven't had the capacity for them to reach me or mayble I just didn't let them. But in any case I realized when he said it I didn't fully understand it but I put it in that place I reserve for subconscious rumination as opposed to casting it aside as I've been known to do.
And today - today I did get it.

I never use the word 'miracle'. For me that word is tied to religion, something that defies explanation in the secular, physical world where clearly understood explanations solve the riddles. Even though I've never been religious something inside of me told me that this word 'miracle' did need to be reserved for something I didn't understand. For me it was a powerful, mystical word and while contradictory to my own beliefs, I held it in reverence, again, a contradiction.

Today a miracle did happen. It happened quietly, with soft footsteps it landed on my soul as I wrapped my face in a scarf to take my daughter to the store. At once I felt it hold onto me, and all at once all parts of me were connected to something vast that was still me but yet something far, far away and much bigger. I'm scared to write about it, to try and describe it, I'm afraid I can't, I won't do it justice. People talk of a 'higher power', of being connected to a higher power. And in the absolute sublime nature of it it just seems it it just as simple as that one thing, a higher power. It is the feeling of it that's hard to give expression to.

I'll admit to being reminded of a particular night over seven years ago when I took mushrooms. The entire trip consisted of simply lying in bed...but what happened was an extraordinary trip into the universe that I'd never glimpsed until today. The experience was me lying there, and every single cell in my body had a string that somehow reached out into every bit of energy that existed in the universe, it was every bit of me being connected to everything that did exist or ever existed in the universe, and each thing that existed carried with it it's own special bit of wisdom that had me know everything. During that trip I felt that I was not just connected but intertwined with every other thing that existed in the universe. Everything was a 'we' and all our power come from the entire universe.

This is the best I can do right now, its exhausting to try and capture it and my face is so irritating I can barely stand it!

But that is the strength I will call on to pull the best from me when I would rather do anything else to pull it from myself.